arena del sole

Well... Iapos;m back... Since my last bitch, life has been continuing on itapos;s spiral downward. School sucks. Iapos;m failing at it... I know I am... Siiigh. Iapos;m just- I donapos;t even know. Whatapos;s keeping me from actually doing something? My self-doubt? Iapos;m thinking itapos;s that. Because anything I start, I think... This isnapos;t good enough... And then I depress myself and I donapos;t feel like doing anything. I havenapos;t even started my third sculpture project and itapos;s due on Monday. UUGGGHHH WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MEEE I NOT a sculptor Why canapos;t I accept that Maybe itapos;s because Iapos;m so used to being good at anything creative that this one facet in which I suck at, is driving me crazy. I can sculpt figures and people out of clay. Thatapos;s easy. So why canapos;t I make a fucking non-objective sculpture out of PAPER WHY?? Itapos;s sounds like it would a lot easier than sculpting a human. Less complicated right? Wrong. It canapos;t look like anything for starters. Do you have any idea how hard that is for me? Iapos;m a CARTOONIST for fucksake. To me, everything has to look like something. Not nothing. Everything I draw is based off the world. Specific things. Itapos;s extremely hard for me to create forms and not objects. Then thereapos;s negative space, composition, and presentation to think about. I donapos;t know how to do it. I canapos;t. Iapos;m such a failure... I just want to give up... But I canapos;t do that either. So Iapos;m stuck. I just feel like crying all the time. Iapos;ll probably flunk out of my first semester of college any way...

Then thereapos;s my social life... Yeah itapos;s still basically non-existent. I go to dinner with Maddie sometimes, have breakfast with Autumn every so often, and talk to Claire on the phone, but thatapos;s it. The only reason I go off campus is to go to my mom or dadapos;s house. I spend most of my time on the internet. I want a boyfriend. I want friends at least Well, I have friends. Iapos;m very grateful for that, but Iapos;d like some in my classes, so I know if anythings due, or come ask them if I missed anything if I was absent. I want friends who will drag me out of my stupid little hole Iapos;ve dug myself. I want to get out I want to go places and meet new people... But Iapos;m scared... I want someone there whoapos;s reassuring, and can MAKE me go do things. Uuuhh... I guess thatapos;s a pretty tall order for someone I donapos;t even know yet... I want a guy the most... My pain over Ryan is slowly but surely fading away... He got a new girlfriend which caused me to stupidly vomit all of my emotional tension towards him that had been building up in an e-mail, that I, of course sent him. I feel better, but Iapos;m embarrassed about it now, and I havenapos;t heard from him at all.... Oh well, if I never hear from him again I guess thatapos;s for the best. I still love him... I always will. But Iapos;m tired of being IN love with him. Thatapos;s why I want someone new. And Iapos;m lonely. And I actually want something to do on a Saturday night. My mom, in her loving and yet irritating way of trying to make me feel better, predicts that I will meet someone. Soon. Iapos;ll meet him in the dining hall before Winter Break and heapos;ll be some engineering geek. Or so my swami mommy says. Why does she have to do that? I know itapos;s not ACTUALLY going to happen, but why does she have to sound so damn certain about it? Why does she have to give me false hope? God...just another thing to look forward to disappointing me, I guess. Iapos;ve been getting a lot of those, so whatapos;s one more.

I know I can get through all of this. Despite the never-ending hollow pit of stress and anxiousness residing in my stomach, thereapos;s always a small, tiny glimmer of this-will-go-away-someday. Well not go away, Iapos;ll have to work at it some, but I wonapos;t have to worry about non-objective sculpture one day. Or the fucking essay on M.L.K., that my teacher wants me to turn in even though itapos;s late. Right now I wish I could just quit my sculpting class. I want to stay in college, and major in painting and drawing, I just want to skip the sculpting requirement. I know itapos;s there so that I know all of my options and because they try to convert as many people as possible to sculpture, but I. Am. Not. One. Of. Those. People. Never will be. I like looking at sculpture, but I hate making it, even if I know what Iapos;m doing. And that STUPID essay God I didnapos;t do it because I was soooo stressed over (guess what) sculpture and I really couldnapos;t concentrate on it. Now my writing teacher wants me to turn it in.... I thought he said no late work... Did I miss something? I mean, itapos;s nice that he cares about me, but... Why now? Why do my teacher always have to like me? If I didnapos;t have my sculpture class to fret about I would definitely do that essay... And god this all sounds like the worst excuses ever. I guess, Iapos;m just trying to weakly persuade myself to think that Iapos;m still a good student, when in truth Iapos;m nothing but a scared, stressed, lazy, whiny bitch. I am extremely lazy. I had that whooooole entire week to work on stuff and what do I do? Nothing. Of course. WHY CANapos;T I DO ANYTHING Why canapos;t I realize what kind of hole Iapos;m digging myself into? All of last week I could have finished that essay. But I chose to run from it instead. And of course I realize this now... Two days away from my writing class. I am really and truly beginning to hate myself. All I do is watch stupid movies and linger on facebook. I sign in and out of msn messenger just waiting for the little apos;you have e-mailapos; chime so that I actually might have something to look forward to. I dread each day that comes next. And when Iapos;m alone, crying into my pillow I think apos;I wish I had someone to hold meapos; because if I had that Iapos;d feel less lonely and that I was actually worth something and then just maybe Iapos;d have the motivation to do something. And as I cry and think of someone to hold me, of course Ryan comes into my head because when I was in Ryanapos;s arms I felt more safe than I ever had. Nothing could touch me while he was looking at me. It was just me and him. Now-a-days my memories of Ryan have faded back into nothing but a vague and blurry dream, like he was never actually there. He was nothing but a fantasy. And how could I ever hope to deserve a guy as nice as Ryan anyway... Yes he had communication problems, but compared to most guys, he was a diamond in the ruff. Uhhh... Why canapos;t I stop talking about Ryan, anyway? Thatapos;s done and over with, why canapos;t I accept that? Iapos;m tired of whining and crying over the past. Iapos;m tired of crying. I. Want. Something. New. I want something to look forward to. But thereapos;s nothing... And I so scared that nothing is just about a good as itapos;s going to get for a very long time...

claiming insurance, arena del sole, arena death stick, arena de tormentas, arena de tormenta.